


Conflicted looks good on me

by orphan_account



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8639761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "We'd make out in the woods one day and then the next he would pretend not to recognize me at school. "





	

"I didn't expect this many people to come," Mario says, softly. He can sense Angus' presence, hovering over him. 

Angus steps towards the pew he's sitting in. He'd said he was going to run in and get his jacket and that they'd meet up with everyone else. 

Mario takes a deep breath when Angus sits down next to him. 

"Do you want to..." Angus starts. 

Mario shakes his head. "I..." he looks up at Angus and then down at his hands in his lap and he picks at his fingernails. 

"It's not..." Mario starts he inhales and Angus can hear the shakiness in his breath. He looks up, and their eyes meet briefly,  then Mario's eyes go to Angus' lips. Angus' eyes scan Mario's face too, his lips, and he rubs his lips together wordlessly indicating an ok. And then Mario kisses him. Angus is shocked at first, even though he was clearly expecting it. It's not the kiss itself that surprises him, it's the way that Mario does it. He kisses him hard. Angus is taken aback by Mario's hot and heavy lips against his own. The way that Mario pushes against him with his lips, but grabs at his hair with one hand, and his shirt with the other desperately pulling him in as close as he can. 

Angus pulls away to take a breath, and Mario's lips chase his. His entire body chases Angus trying desperately to get closer. To feel more warm skin against his own. Their eyes meet briefly, before Mario's eyelids close and Angus can feel himself melting into Mario and letting himself be pulled in and pushed away at the same time. 

"I'm sorry," Mario whispers. He pulls his hand away from Angus' face but his other hand stays twisted in Angus' shirt against his chest. "I'm so sorry..." his face presses to Angus' chest one hand in his shirt and tears fall from his eyes as he repeats an apology over and over again. Until Angus feels like he's going to hear Mario's voice apologizing to him in his nightmares the same way he hears Mario repeating 'I'm ok'. 

Angus rests his chin on Mario's head. "Shh..." he puts a hand on Mario's back. "You don't have anything to apologize for." He doesn't know what's going through Mario's head, he hardly ever does, but as confused as he is he knows better then to ask. Instead Angus holds him, while he sobs. 

"I can't," Mario manages to make out between sobs. "I can't.." he repeats gripping Angus' shirt even tighter. 

"Shh... I love you," Angus runs a hand through Mario's hair. 

Apparently, that was the exact opposite of what he should have said because Mario jumps away from him when he hears it. 

"You don't..." Mario stands up with shaking hands and starts unbuttoning his shirt. "No you don't..." 

Angus squints at him as he struggles with the buttons on his shirt. "Here let me..." He stands up too and goes for Mario's shirt buttons but Mario jumps back again. "Don't touch me." 

Angus raises his hands in innocence. 

"I..." Mario pulls his shirt off and points at his tattoo. Angus hasn't gotten a good look at it until now. It's a religious tattoo, is what Angus makes out. 

"Mario..." Angus starts, he desperately wants to step closer to him but he doesn't. "I don't know what you're trying to tell me, but I know you're not homophobic...." Right? Angus can't remember Mario ever making a comment to lead him down that road. The way he'd treated Ted was just like any other patient. He loved Malaya and her girlfriend. He wasn't homophobic. He couldn't be. 

"I'm not..." Mario starts. "I can't..." 

"You can't what?" Angus challenges softly. 

Mario sighs. He uses his shirt to wipe the tears from his eyes. 

"My grandma... she's a devout Catholic," Mario speaks softly. 

"Your dad's...?" Angus starts. 

"My mom's..." Mario says. He sits down on the pew again. Angus doesn't. He leans against the pew in front of Mario. "I was in tenth grade and I was in love with ..." He takes another deep shaky breath trying to Mask the sobs. "Dylan..." Mario's voice gets lower when he says it. "We'd make out in the woods one day and then the next he would pretend not to recognize me at school. Then... she died." 

"Your mom?" Angus asked. 

Mario nodded. "My grandma took me in." 

Angus thinks he's starting to get where Mario is going with this story, and his heart breaks for a poor younger version of Mario. As if it's not broken enough for the older version of Mario sitting right here in front of him. 

"Everything just..." Mario puts his head in his hands. "I needed something. My mom was gone. My dad had never been there. My boyfriend beat me up at school... So I..." he sighed. "It just kept getting worse, and I got caught with the stuff at the end of the year. My grandma knew a lawyer, from church and he got me off with rehab and no time served but..." his words shook. "She picked a religious rehab place. They told me so many times that it was wrong that I guess I just started to believe it." 

"Did it help?"

Mario nodded. "They helped me get where I am..." Mario said. "It was easy for me to ignore that part of myself... I like girls too so I convinced myself that I only liked girls, for a long time ... and it was easy to believe I was normal. In college I didn't go as much, but I still couldn't... I only  Until you came along," Mario chuckled. He finally looked up at Angus. 

"I haven't set foot in a church since I've been in LA but I was scared to..." he sighed. "I was scared that... you. It sounds so dumb now." 

"Mario... no it's not..." Angus didn't know what to say. Internalized homophobia was something that he hadn't dealt very much  in his lifetime but it made sense and if his heart hadn't been broken already it would have shattered for poor broken Mario. "You don't sound dumb." Angus reassured him. "You're never gonna be dumb. Ok? Don't say that." 

Mario nodded. "I like you.." He started. "Angus. I've been trying to push it away but I couldn't... I tried so hard to push it away. I was going to work up the nerve to tell you but then Mike, and then my dad and then this, here ... I couldn't stop thinking about church...." Mario sniffled. 

Angus nodded in agreement. "I like you too... and I'm here for you... whatever  you need ok?"  He truly meant that. He would do anything he could to help Mario resolve his issues, even if it didn't end with them getting together. 

Mario bit his lip. "Can we get out of here?" he asked in a small voice. "Can we just go somewhere... anywhere but here," he pressed the keys to Angus' hand and Angus took them. 

"Let's get out of here." 

 


End file.
